Sisters.

You make best friends less best.

My sister is coming to the Soo today.

Today! In approximately eight hours, she'll be here, with me.

I can't wait to see her.

I always knew we loved each other, but I never realized how much.

I never realized how much I needed her.

She's my shining light.

My beacon of hope.

She's the only one who can make everything better.

She's the littlest thing that will make me shine brighter.

She's my flame and my role model.

All in one.

She's what everyone needs in their life.

She's my sister.

Coming to uplift my soul & make me more confident.

She's my sister.

My sister is perfect.

Give it up.

I feel as though I have been defending you for too long.

For reasons unknown.

Maybe it was more then what we wanted.

It was more then what I bargained for.

This is not what we agreed to.

It is hard to understand what happened.

From perfect and ideal,

To horrible and nothing.

We are nothing.

We were nothing.

Tell the truth.

Give it up.

It's turned into a mess.

Calling

Do you have it? Do you know it? Do you know what you want to be when you're "all grown up?" Have you had that feeling, that calling... that sense that you were meant for something, and you knew at that moment or at that point in time that you knew what you wanted to do with your life?

I was recently told that I have four potential pathways of life. Four. I don't know how well you know me by now, but I'm not very decisive. When it comes to me, I don't know what I want or what I have a knack for ... for shit. My friends know what they are good at, what the can advance in and what they understand the best. For me... It's the complete opposite. I'm okay at everything, good at somethings. But I'm not great or amazing at anything in particular. The only thing that I know I'm good at is tolerating bullshit, and laughing really loudly. Both things I can't help.

So my question is to you... what do you do, when you don't know what to do?

Holding Back

So I've been telling my friend(s) that I have insecurities. I don't tend to open up to people, the only person who really knows me well is my sister. She's the only person who can basically know what I'm feeling without having to ask me or talk to me. She knows what I feel, why I feel it and she tries to get me out of funks or feeling sad or bad or mad. She's the only thing that can really stop the madness in my head. I actually decided to open up to more then my sister, it was really hard because I don't know how my friends will take it or even if they are willing to understand what I feel. I feel as though I have more problems then a nineteen-year-old should have. Is that reasonable to think that I'm a nut job? I guess it's alright - if it's true.

Anyways, the point is that I physically told myself it's been over a month, and they aren't grossly sick of spending all this time with you, so you HAVE to start telling them the way you feel and what makes you tick. They can't just know the bubbly you, the you that everyone sees and loves until the realize you're a freakin crack-pot on the inside. They need to learn what is behind the smile and wide eyes. So I finally built up the courage to start talking. And the best part is - they or she, understands and makes me feel better about myself. My friends will never be my sister, but they are slowly becoming people that I will be close to and rely on for the rest of my life. I was recently told that I am more independent then I think. I know that I am independent, and I know I will most likely rely on myself - because in the end that's all you've got, is you and you alone. But without them (her), I don't know if I would really find anybody to tell these things too.

After telling her one more thing about the way I feel, I was reading through old things I used to write when I was a kid on the computer, and found a quote that I either saved or created. I love it. I think it's good. It's really descriptive of what I am and what I want.

love me without fear. trust me without doubts. love me without restrictions. want me without demand. accept me how i am.

So I Suck...

My friend Stephanie Babcock also has a blog, and if you can't tell by now.. I haven't really been updating it. I haven't really found any down time until right now. I find my nights sleepless because of many reasons and my mind filled with thoughts of insecurities and questionable motives to life. Steph, is always updating her blog, putting time and effort into it. However, I have been a bitch - as most people would say, neglecting it. I am now, officially putting forth the effort to continue and finish the projects that remain incomplete, fix the posts that don't make sense and to use this blog to pour my heart and thoughts out for the world, or not a soul to read and take in.

Project: Blog it up! Has started!