TOOODAY.

Today my heart started to glow. It scared me. Last night, it was beating fast and I didn't even realize it. I'm actually scared of this. I was fine and used to being alone. I'm not used to this. I don't want to get excited over nothing. I don't want to worry. I love this feel at the beginning. But fear has taken over. My heart has sunk back into my spleen. Maybe I'm still too young for this. I can't listen to other people and what they think. I need to leave their opinions out of it. And just go for what I think. But what if I'm wrong? I'm scared.

Can you see them?

Can you see them?

They're flying in the air...

It happens when your heart beats faster.

It happens when your hands shake.

It happens when you stutter.

And you can't walk straight.

It happens when you think before every move.

Can you see them now?

They're flying in the air...

It's rude interruptions when you talk.

It's standing too close.

It's when you whisper soft and slow.

It's when you pass little notes.

Can you see them now?

They're flying in the air...

It happens when you smile.

It happens when you kiss on the sidewalk.

It happens when you stare for a little while.

It happens through every little talk.

Can you see them now?

They're flying in the air...

Sparks.

What happened when I came to school...

About two years ago I could describe myself as dependent, unreliable, stupid and fearful. Now, two years later I can describe myself as independent, responsible, smart, fearless and confident. Other than those few changes, a big change in me has been my self-consciousness. I used to be self-conscious in grade seven and eight. In high school, I was fearless until grade 12, when everything went downhill.

But now, starting my first year of university, I can feel the change. I can physically feel the dopamine in my head working to make me a happier, healthier person. However, since I've gotten here, this cold place I now call my home... it has made me self-conscious. So self-conscious, that when I look in the mirror all I see is terrible things. I remember, when I used to get ready for a party I used to think "You look great! Time to go!" But now, I look in the mirror and all I see, all the time is "You look hideous. Hideous. Hide your face." That's what my body tells me. Why does tell me these things? I feel like such an attention seeker from my friends and peers. I will spend extra time doing my hair and makeup, almost like I'm fishing for a comment. I can't muster up the littlest amount of self-esteem.

Is it self-esteem I'm lacking? I don't know. I don't think it's a need to get complimented, because I can live without it. I just want to know why, when I look in the mirror I see a deformed, hideous face with pimples and flaws up the wah-zoo. When I look at my body, all I see is a potatoe. All I can see is my body, terribly shaped-in the worst way. I don't know why I see myself this way now. When I look at old pictures, not even a year ago, I can say I looked great. I see a picture from two months ago, and all I see is beast. Ugly, terrifying face.

Who would like this face and body? Who would want to talk to me? I know why people talk to me.. It's because I am cheerful and happy and pleasant. I am happy with the friends and family that I have. I am happy and at peace for everything I have and everything that life has dealt for me. Except me.

Behind the bright eyes and the bushy tail, I don't see anything worth ... anything. This is what happened when I came to school...