What happened when I came to school...

About two years ago I could describe myself as dependent, unreliable, stupid and fearful. Now, two years later I can describe myself as independent, responsible, smart, fearless and confident. Other than those few changes, a big change in me has been my self-consciousness. I used to be self-conscious in grade seven and eight. In high school, I was fearless until grade 12, when everything went downhill.

But now, starting my first year of university, I can feel the change. I can physically feel the dopamine in my head working to make me a happier, healthier person. However, since I've gotten here, this cold place I now call my home... it has made me self-conscious. So self-conscious, that when I look in the mirror all I see is terrible things. I remember, when I used to get ready for a party I used to think "You look great! Time to go!" But now, I look in the mirror and all I see, all the time is "You look hideous. Hideous. Hide your face." That's what my body tells me. Why does tell me these things? I feel like such an attention seeker from my friends and peers. I will spend extra time doing my hair and makeup, almost like I'm fishing for a comment. I can't muster up the littlest amount of self-esteem.

Is it self-esteem I'm lacking? I don't know. I don't think it's a need to get complimented, because I can live without it. I just want to know why, when I look in the mirror I see a deformed, hideous face with pimples and flaws up the wah-zoo. When I look at my body, all I see is a potatoe. All I can see is my body, terribly shaped-in the worst way. I don't know why I see myself this way now. When I look at old pictures, not even a year ago, I can say I looked great. I see a picture from two months ago, and all I see is beast. Ugly, terrifying face.

Who would like this face and body? Who would want to talk to me? I know why people talk to me.. It's because I am cheerful and happy and pleasant. I am happy with the friends and family that I have. I am happy and at peace for everything I have and everything that life has dealt for me. Except me.

Behind the bright eyes and the bushy tail, I don't see anything worth ... anything. This is what happened when I came to school...