The People You Meet

I've always said that "I have no regrets." This is true, for the most part. There is always that little glimmering wish in my mind and heart that I had... studied more or went to sleep earlier. However, I can say that I have been making wise decisions lately. Although it is 2:15am in the morning and I will inevitably suffer for this decision in a few hours when my sister and brother-in-law wake up at the crack of dawn and are starving for breakfast; I have still been wise.

I will admit that I have been stretching myself a little bit thin, putting more things on my plate than I can handle, making too many promises and shaking too many hands. The only thing that is really stressing me out is that I have to redo these assignments (which won't be difficult, they weren't to begin with) and I won't give my Prof the information that they wanted. Oh! And that I fail out of this year... Nonetheless, for the most part, I have been thrilled, over joyed about my commitments or choices.

Best example (and most recent), I decided that I wanted to go to the Can/Am Exchange this year, which is when Canadian and American students cross the border (we went to Michigan first) to talk about two questions - to debate them, if you will. However, a few days prior to already jumping on the band-wagon for the exchange, I had expressed to my Student Union that I'd like to partake in the Remembrance Day celebration which -if you haven't already figured out- was on the same day... Lucky me. Usually, this wouldn't be a problem for me - although I like to nap more than the average twenty year old, but my time frame to get from one location to another was skint and I could not see how I could work until midnight the night before, meet my significant other for coffee, sleep, study for the debate and wake up at a decent hour to do my hair and grab breakfast. All of this seem impossible or at least insane. "I had definitely put on my crazy pants when it came to this decision," I thought to myself.

Although it was hard to stay awake and participate, I am beyond glad that I had gone to both events. Not only did I get to meet amazing people at the Remembrance Day Celebration Ceremony, I got to talk to them and let them know how I felt about certain things as a students, not only from out of town, but as a students whom considers this her town now. No matter what happens with the contacts I have made, I would like to actually pursue some of the advice they had given me or would like me to look into. Then, at the exchange, I met a whole slue of new people that I either adore or admire. All American, which isn't a big deal nor do I really expect to run into them again, in spite of that - I had fun getting to converse with a different set of people. Not only did I gain a lot of respect for people on Friday but I gained a lot of respect for myself. I came to realize that I can do anything when I push myself. If anything, Friday has re-ensured my belief that there is good in everyone and that people still try to lend a helping hand.

Cynical

My friend, my dear dear friend, Joe told me the other day that I'm cynical. The definition of cynical is, "believing that people are motived by self-interest; distrust of human sincerity or integrity."

I guess you could say I am cynical. To me, a lot of people can be. It's not something that just happens. However for me, I think it took one event in particular to make me cynical. The year was 2011...

I don't know what it is. It's that jaw dropping moment. When your heart sinks to your stomach. When you lose your breath and not because you've been swooned. That point in time when you hear something and you don't know how to react. It's the point when you don't want to give up believing or having faith in someone or something but you can't help but be filled with hatred, misery, sadness and distrust.

The word hallelujah is often used during a moment of worship or rejoice. I cannot say that I haven't found one thing to rejoice about. Every day that I wake up and can walk and speak and blink and feel and breathe is a time to rejoice. But as much as I appreciate God for making my days unbelievably happy and my friends and family amazing, it saddens me that I could be cynical about people.

Joe and I were talking about relationships. He's a relationship person through and through. Personally, I like Joe. Heck! I love Joe when he's not in a relationship. He is so much more fun. But to me, relationships... What do they mean? What does it mean? "The way in which two or more concepts, objects, or people are connected, or the state of being connected." This, is bullshit. They are messy and pointless. People can try and share emotions for one another but there will always be that person who does not fully trust the other. Emotions will fly and one person will be way ahead of another. Show me a relationship that wasn't shaky. Most relationships end up in divorce or break ups these days. Even the people who have been together for long periods of time have broken up and gotten back together. But why go through the heartbreak? Why go through the fights and the likes and dislikes when you can be friends with everyone and just have fun?

I guess not everyone sees it the way I see it. Maybe I am cynical.

Bitch

"Bloggin' like a bitch."

I feel like the word "bitch" is it's own entity now. Almost like a physical thing that you use to describe a copious amount of situations. I tell people, all the time, that I'm doing something "like a bitch." Why is that? I know a few amount of people who do that. I just don't understand my logic for once. But the weirdest thing is, they understand what I mean.

"Tweeting like a bitch."

"Racking up your phone bill like a bitch."

It's like the word "bitch" has replaced "boss." Weird.

Cover

I have been obsessed with learning new covers lately.

I can't help myself. I hear a song and I must learn it. I must admit that it tends to be at the least opportune moment. Meaning, I do it at 1am, every single night.

My poor roommate.

Listen to Tired by Adele.

?

I guess I just have to find someone who is willing to live in a house full of little things with me.

I got them.

Tonight was amazing. I went out with a few friends. From work. And as much as you don't think that things will be fun or live up to that expectation, it's the best wake up call when expectation surpasses reality. It rarely does. But for that time being, when it does... Embrace it.

Love it.

Snift it.

Snort it.

I don't care.

Laundry

I love being happy. I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy that feeling of pure fulfillment and joy come over their body. I wonder if it's just me, but when I'm so happy - I get like a little whoosh of tingling through my whole body. Like my brain and nerves are telling me to enjoy the moment as much as possible and to hold onto that feeling. I love holding onto that feeling. I wish I could put it in a jar and never forget it. But then again, if I was always happy and glowing, would I appreciate it as much as I do, when I do?

I try to look for little things that make the day or can make anyone happy. Like today. I worked outside, sixth day in a row. It could have been me bitching about the heat and how I don't want to be at work. But it's me saying, yeah it's warm - but at least it's not snowing. Yeah we're at work - but we're not running program. Yes we're surrounded by kids - but not kids that hate you, kids that say "You're the best!" or "You're the prettiest." You may not actually be the prettiest, but it's how you take it. To Amna, I'm gorgeous, the prettiest princess she's ever seen. And everyday, even if she doesn't remember it. I will. Because it's something so little, from the smallest girl I know, that she believes to be true - and now... Me too.

I hate having to turn something around for someone, making them see the silver lining. But whatever. Sometimes, I need someone to do that for me. But I'd like to think I'm a pretty happy camper. Oh well. Alls well, ends well.

Side note: I can't wait to do laundry tomorrow.

V

I didn't realize it until today that I had found it. My special someone. We are just friends and I'm sure that's all we'll ever be but I'm fine with that. Because out of all the people in the world trying to turn nothing into something, I don't have to. I have a friend that I can kiss and make jokes with and be silly with. I have someone who I can call and complain to, whom will actually want to listen. I have someone to go to walmart with me late at night and roam the aisles aimlessly. I have someone I can be around without worry or concern of how I look and laughs at my small paranoia's. To me it doesn't matter what we are or are not. We are friends and that is way more then I could ever ask for.

TRUST

I didn't trust people before.

If anything,

you fucked it up

for everyone who was working their way in.

Bubbles

I'm bitching because everyone does.

Everyone, at some point has that long period of time that they complain or get upset. I'm rattled. I'm not twelve. I know what I can and cannot do. And I can't believe that at twenty years old no one trusts me or believe me enough to do certain things. The worst part of it all is that I just want that one person to tell these things to, that won't criticize or think I'm a bitch. I don't need someone to want to hear it, they just are willing to listen. But that's a lot to ask for. No one gets everything at the same time, or even sometimes at all.

I gotta remember to just keep blowing bubbles.

Summer 2011

I usually wouldn't dedicate a post to anything so far in advance.

But I can guarantee that this summer will beat the rest.

Hold Your Breath

I'm not the kind of person who is going to hold my breath for someone else or wait for something to happen. I'll make something happen if I want it or end it if I want to. It's not that hard to make up your mind and go for the gold.

I used to hold my breath for you, not so much anymore.

Nafis

She’s a baby, a bay, songstress of imprints,

Sentience, seminal kindred empress,

Spondee two stress sociological scale-less

Speck of skin-tight soulfly spent embers, no stress.

I know her as Nafis.

Sportive thought portage practitioner,

Pale lily plain splendid seminal sandal wearer

When it rains, water-stained pavement art,

Bravado bricolage, earthly taut Sahadat,

Tadah! Magic backwards in her last name,

Nafis underworld land lane

Cinematic focus toward simple dimples damn fine,

Intertwined forever nought,

For always are but the options on the table.

My friend wrote this poem and it turned out to be about me. He got it published in a couple places. I figured now is a good time as ever to share it.

Deuces

All that bullshits for the birds.

You ain't nothing but a vulture.

Always hoping for the worst.

Waiting for me to fuck up.

I know you're mad,

But so what?

I wish you the best of luck.

Now I'm gonna throw them deuces up.

Silliness

I guess there are times that everyone wishes that they could say something, or tell something to someone without sounding foolish. My friends are famous for telling me little things whilst being drunk. But when did that become okay? Why is it that we tend to use alcohol as our truth serum?

People like to confront others under the influence or they'll text someone they've been keeping a secret, while being drunk. I think it's because they can literally blame it on the alcohol and can take it back if they want to. Which is inevitable once the sun rises and they have come to their senses.

I think it's pretty lame that people don't have the heart to talk to people sober or tell someone something that they are feeling out of fear. I'm not going to lie, I usually don't tell people what I want to. But I'm not going to tell them while I'm drunk. Only if they are someone I can trust and drunk as well. I'd never confront someone while drunk or fall back on alcohol to solve my problems. That's just silly.

Oh boy.

Doom & Gloom

Fuck & Chuck

Hit It & Quit It

All things I've heard WAY too much of.

Justification

I feel as though there is a point in everyone's life where they feel like they have to justify something to someone else. It may happen to you everyday, or once a week or perhaps it rarely happens. I don't feel the need to always justify my feelings, but if you need to know an explanation behind it - I'll tell you. Honestly.

When it comes to my writing (and I'm addressing all public forums) I can apologize for realizing something I have said was wrong at the time. But it was honest, and honesty is not something I feel people should have to apologize for. I'm not saying that people are saying my writing is shit or that I am blunt or ask for forgiveness for what I have written, but if that time ever comes that someone doesn't like what I have written for my school newspaper, I'll gladly explain my opinion and point of view. After all, writing is about free speech and points of view. It's not necessarily meant to argue semantics or true definitions or common sense. It is there as a public forum to open up people and welcome them into the thoughts of yours, or mine or anyone else that may take to a keyboard or pad and pen.

I am happy of what I have written. Whether it be my blog, twitter, facebook notes, university paper or high school newspaper. Because at some point in time, that is how I felt, honestly and whole heartedly. And truthfully, not enough people speak from their heart these days. That's why it's so hard to trust. But I entrust in you, my readers, to not judge me for a random thought or animosity towards something or someone at a point in time. I rather you appreciate and question. Thanks.

He realized it.

It's unfortunate how one person can ruin a lifetime of experiences for you. It may not actually be your lifetime, but it certainly is an amount of time that they have made an impression on. I have had some unpleasant experiences with relationships, that's not a secret at all. However, I can't believe how one person can cause such a riff in my system, although gone and not really given any thought unless necessary or being dramatic, it baffles me as to how he can shake me up.

A couple months ago, I learned something not so pleasant on the phone, my friend Steph was in my living room and I truly feel bad for her. The eight hour car ride that I could have made into a blast was me in silence and just thinking in a corner to myself, "What happened? What did I do wrong? What do I do now? What do I need to do?" That isn't even half of what was going on in my head, but that's what I recall currently.

Anyways, that doesn't really matter. The mystery is, how can one person who has caused so many problems for so many months still have an effect on my life. To be dead honest. That situation has made me question everything I have done thus far. I treated some people who liked me like garbage, because if I could have been treated like that, why shouldn't I treat people like that?

I mean, I had a horrible track record after that. And I really took it out on my best friend, Katy, I made her go out with my every Friday and Saturday. But she did it. She would help me pursue, and dance and drink. That's the only way she knew how to help me. She brought me breakfast, made me feel special. And I do credit her a lot, but I credit a lot of my friends as well. They all did everything they could to keep me distracted and keep me happy, to not think about it and to have my back.

But after all that distraction and pain numbing laughter and tequila, it's amazing that I still worry about people. Often times, more than one friend will tell me "You have to remember that he is not him. And not every girl is her." I feel like sometimes, I move too fast, I trust too easily, I love too hard... Or like.

My greatest fear would be for the person I am interested in to wake up and not want to keep talking to me, or seeing me. It may be silly or an irrational fear. But to be honest, that's what I think happened. He just realized it. I hope no one ever has the epiphany ever again.

Answer me this.

nous faisons confiance

nous aimons

mais...

combien?

"You look happy."

Why is it that people seem to be surprised every time I smile in a photo? My mother commented on a photo that we had taken four days ago saying, "You look happy." Like she was surprised, or in awe. And because of the smile on my face she now wants a hard copy of the photo. I think it's a little silly for people to say that I look happy in something so inadequate, such as a photo. Yes a photo can come with a side order of a thousand words and yes a picture can capture a memory forever, but why is it that people are surprised when I'm smiling in one?

You know when people say, "you're acting different." Well, yes, of course I am. I act differently in front of different groups of people. And what sparks that reaction or emotion is a whole slue of different experiences created from that one person or that group of people. The happy I am around my sister is a different happy from a best friend or a boyfriend. The sadness I get from my grandmother is a different sadness from my parents or from school. People cry for different reasons, people act for different reasons.

In my family, if I'm not shining bright as the sun, something is wrong. And even if something really isn't wrong and I'm just tired or thinking about something, then I'm automatically depressed. If I don't want to talk about my day it's not that I hate you, it's that I just left that day and rather not relive every moment of it with you. I suppose the problem has stemmed from me. I was napping in the back of my car a couple weeks ago and woke up to hear my parents talking about me and my problems. Apparently, my number one problem is that I don't say anything when things are upsetting me.

I don't think I am the only person in this world who does it. I've just learned it's better if I don't say anything. Not because I don't want to share but because I feel as though I don't have to burden people with my worries or thoughts. And more often then not, I'm not great at expressing it properly and I end up exploding; saying everything running through my mind, freaking out anyone who is in range of hearing it.

Through experience I've learned that it is better to deal with things yourself. Even if you don't know how. You will figure it out in due time. Time may not heal all or solve all problems, but in time, you sure as hell will figure out what to do with yourself and how to act towards something.

... Boy, do I get off topic real fast. I guess the point of this is that I am happy, but people will evoke different emotions out of me: frustration, happiness, sadness, joy. I wake up happy, every day, but often enough people irritate and the smile will eventually fade until the next sunrise.

Repeat.

Do people listen to songs on repeat anymore? I know I do. I think I'm the worst for it. If it was possible to burn a song off of YouTube or iTunes, I think I could do it. I would find one song, for a night or a week and set every mode of music listening to device to repeat or repeat "1."

Why is it? Is it for the love of the song? And if so, why can't we ever remember to listen to it days or weeks later... Why is it so temporary to us? I guess I shouldn't say "us," it could just be me. Why is everything so temporary to me? I would like to think that things or events or people in my life are long-term. And as much as I wish them to be, are they really?

I know my sister has been the most consistent thing in my life. I know that our bond is quite unusual to most, but you will never know why we are so close until you know us completely; that could take a lifetime. But everything changes. Good things will eventually fade and bad times will eventually pass. I even want a tattoo on my shoulder that says, "This too shall pass." Because it will. Everything will. The song I've been listening to on repeat, my unemployment, my feelings towards a person, my ambitions and goals. And it's not even non-tangible items, it's physical things too! I'm losing weight, my eye sight will change, I'll shrink at some point. Everything changes.

I think I like to listen to something on repeat because it's consistent for that point in time. For the emotion I'm feeling or if it's getting me in the mood to paint or write something on this blog. I guess everyone has to except that things are changing. Everything, constantly. And the sad part is is that we want to stay where we are, forever. And if not forever, for a long period of time. I guess repeat is the only source of permanent feeling for us. Repeat.

I would repeat a lot of things. A lot of happy events. But I don't think I would like to relive the same day everyday, that'd get boring. So maybe the longest amount of stability we can handle is a song one repeat. Even if it is for a night or to relive a feeling for a couple times during the week. I guess it doesn't matter, but for tonight... This song will be on repeat.

make-up

don't make up your face for him

don't make up your face for her

do it for you.

not because you're ugly

not because someone said so.

do it because you are you.

put it where you want it

however you want it.

do it for you.

no one else.

kicw

Everyone has to write about it at some point in time. It is the ever looming emotion that people want to feel, at some point in time. You could be the coldest, most self-centered person I know... But at some point in time, you don't want to feel alone. You want to have someone. You want to feel a little sliver of love, from someone.

Love is what keeps people dreaming at night, wishing on stars and at 11:11 at night or in the morning, it keeps us going back to bars or putting ourselves in awkward party situations. All in hopes that we will find someone in the crowd to get along with, that we'll want to smile and laugh with, talk to and maybe even exchange numbers. Love is what keeps us smiling after meeting someone we are "compatible," with and hoping at the end of the night they aren't thinking about anyone else. Love is what keeps the butterflies in our stomaches, the twinkle in our eyes and the sparks flying between people.

It's what we read about in books, see around us... at bus stops, in the bus, at the mall, in school, online, offline. Everywhere. It consumes our hearts and without it, most likely than not; a lot of people feel lost without it and are searching or waiting for it to come into their hearts.

I used to tell people to stop searching for it because as soon as you do, it will find you. That was the advice my grandmother had given me before she had her stroke and I'm not going to lie and say that I am madly in love at the moment, but I will tell you the truth and say that I did find someone to grow up with and come closer with every time I did stop searching for love. It's not that I had searched for "the one." It's that I was searching for someone to spend that extra time with, to text or call at night, for that someone to want to spend time with me. And eventually I did. Granted, it doesn't always last long... And it may not end the way that Disney wants it to end. But my life is not a fairytale, nor is anyone else's. If you put your love in the hands of the wrong person, it can become unhealthy for both of you and lead down a slippery unpleasant slope.

But! I don't believe love sets us up for failure and I don't believe that love can change everything or make everything better. I believe that love is there to make us feel a little happier and in the end I believe that it is to fill our hearts and have someone that we can grow old with. I believe love is helping us find that someone that we can call and share things with, to hold hands with, the smile and laugh with. Every time is different, I just believe you have to hold out and wait and see.

Family

I was telling my friend that I love my family. He's an only kid with no aunts or uncles. I'm a child of three, with seven aunts and uncles on both sides. I grew up with a lot of people, a lot of people to love me and care for me and build relationships with. One thing I will always be proud of is that my sister is my best friend and that I can talk to my brother about silliness, because we are very similar.

But tomorrow, or today - I go visit my cousin Julius and his very pregnant wife, Voula. I love them both. But I can remember the times when I was little when he would let me play on his computer all day, have sleepovers with him, he'd even take me out on dates. He was the one who introduced me to Blade and Star Wars as well as my first movie ever, Back to the Future. I can't imagine that he has a dog, a wife, multiple cars, owns a house and has his first offspring on the way.

There was a time when I thought that it'd be "Jules and Naffie," together, forever. Playing tennis on the weekends, meeting the girlfriends, getting ice cream and deciding if we liked them afterwards. But no matter how old we get and move further apart, geologically, he will always have a place in my heart that no one can take away. I love family.

Friday

Today, or I suppose yesterday - considering it's 1:48 in the morning. My friend told me he had read what had been on my blog... This blog. When he let this information be known to me, I couldn't not once, remember what I had written on it. And as I go through and I read what I had wrote. I look at all the promises or goals I had set out and put out into the universe and have never accomplished. This has made me think...

It has to change.

And today, I start.

Never. I refuse.

I don't want to ever feel this feeling again. This sense of worry and the unknown. I like to know what my future holds. I need to figure out a way to control that. Maybe we aren't all built for happily ever after. Maybe we don't all need it in our lives. I don't know, but for those who know what their next step is going to be, congratulations. I'm not a fan of not knowing. I enjoy planning and altering plans, as long as I'm in the know. As long as I am aware. But that's too much to ask, it's too much to be. I can't change that, like I once said, "You can't change a person." You can't change anyone or yourself, for that matter. You just have to go with the flow, pick your battles, hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Bugger Off!

One of my favourite people came to visit me a couple days ago.

He's still here.

He wants to meet my family.

And doesn't mind spending time with me.

This is weird.