Oh boy.

Doom & Gloom

Fuck & Chuck

Hit It & Quit It

All things I've heard WAY too much of.

Justification

I feel as though there is a point in everyone's life where they feel like they have to justify something to someone else. It may happen to you everyday, or once a week or perhaps it rarely happens. I don't feel the need to always justify my feelings, but if you need to know an explanation behind it - I'll tell you. Honestly.

When it comes to my writing (and I'm addressing all public forums) I can apologize for realizing something I have said was wrong at the time. But it was honest, and honesty is not something I feel people should have to apologize for. I'm not saying that people are saying my writing is shit or that I am blunt or ask for forgiveness for what I have written, but if that time ever comes that someone doesn't like what I have written for my school newspaper, I'll gladly explain my opinion and point of view. After all, writing is about free speech and points of view. It's not necessarily meant to argue semantics or true definitions or common sense. It is there as a public forum to open up people and welcome them into the thoughts of yours, or mine or anyone else that may take to a keyboard or pad and pen.

I am happy of what I have written. Whether it be my blog, twitter, facebook notes, university paper or high school newspaper. Because at some point in time, that is how I felt, honestly and whole heartedly. And truthfully, not enough people speak from their heart these days. That's why it's so hard to trust. But I entrust in you, my readers, to not judge me for a random thought or animosity towards something or someone at a point in time. I rather you appreciate and question. Thanks.

He realized it.

It's unfortunate how one person can ruin a lifetime of experiences for you. It may not actually be your lifetime, but it certainly is an amount of time that they have made an impression on. I have had some unpleasant experiences with relationships, that's not a secret at all. However, I can't believe how one person can cause such a riff in my system, although gone and not really given any thought unless necessary or being dramatic, it baffles me as to how he can shake me up.

A couple months ago, I learned something not so pleasant on the phone, my friend Steph was in my living room and I truly feel bad for her. The eight hour car ride that I could have made into a blast was me in silence and just thinking in a corner to myself, "What happened? What did I do wrong? What do I do now? What do I need to do?" That isn't even half of what was going on in my head, but that's what I recall currently.

Anyways, that doesn't really matter. The mystery is, how can one person who has caused so many problems for so many months still have an effect on my life. To be dead honest. That situation has made me question everything I have done thus far. I treated some people who liked me like garbage, because if I could have been treated like that, why shouldn't I treat people like that?

I mean, I had a horrible track record after that. And I really took it out on my best friend, Katy, I made her go out with my every Friday and Saturday. But she did it. She would help me pursue, and dance and drink. That's the only way she knew how to help me. She brought me breakfast, made me feel special. And I do credit her a lot, but I credit a lot of my friends as well. They all did everything they could to keep me distracted and keep me happy, to not think about it and to have my back.

But after all that distraction and pain numbing laughter and tequila, it's amazing that I still worry about people. Often times, more than one friend will tell me "You have to remember that he is not him. And not every girl is her." I feel like sometimes, I move too fast, I trust too easily, I love too hard... Or like.

My greatest fear would be for the person I am interested in to wake up and not want to keep talking to me, or seeing me. It may be silly or an irrational fear. But to be honest, that's what I think happened. He just realized it. I hope no one ever has the epiphany ever again.

Answer me this.

nous faisons confiance

nous aimons

mais...

combien?

"You look happy."

Why is it that people seem to be surprised every time I smile in a photo? My mother commented on a photo that we had taken four days ago saying, "You look happy." Like she was surprised, or in awe. And because of the smile on my face she now wants a hard copy of the photo. I think it's a little silly for people to say that I look happy in something so inadequate, such as a photo. Yes a photo can come with a side order of a thousand words and yes a picture can capture a memory forever, but why is it that people are surprised when I'm smiling in one?

You know when people say, "you're acting different." Well, yes, of course I am. I act differently in front of different groups of people. And what sparks that reaction or emotion is a whole slue of different experiences created from that one person or that group of people. The happy I am around my sister is a different happy from a best friend or a boyfriend. The sadness I get from my grandmother is a different sadness from my parents or from school. People cry for different reasons, people act for different reasons.

In my family, if I'm not shining bright as the sun, something is wrong. And even if something really isn't wrong and I'm just tired or thinking about something, then I'm automatically depressed. If I don't want to talk about my day it's not that I hate you, it's that I just left that day and rather not relive every moment of it with you. I suppose the problem has stemmed from me. I was napping in the back of my car a couple weeks ago and woke up to hear my parents talking about me and my problems. Apparently, my number one problem is that I don't say anything when things are upsetting me.

I don't think I am the only person in this world who does it. I've just learned it's better if I don't say anything. Not because I don't want to share but because I feel as though I don't have to burden people with my worries or thoughts. And more often then not, I'm not great at expressing it properly and I end up exploding; saying everything running through my mind, freaking out anyone who is in range of hearing it.

Through experience I've learned that it is better to deal with things yourself. Even if you don't know how. You will figure it out in due time. Time may not heal all or solve all problems, but in time, you sure as hell will figure out what to do with yourself and how to act towards something.

... Boy, do I get off topic real fast. I guess the point of this is that I am happy, but people will evoke different emotions out of me: frustration, happiness, sadness, joy. I wake up happy, every day, but often enough people irritate and the smile will eventually fade until the next sunrise.

Repeat.

Do people listen to songs on repeat anymore? I know I do. I think I'm the worst for it. If it was possible to burn a song off of YouTube or iTunes, I think I could do it. I would find one song, for a night or a week and set every mode of music listening to device to repeat or repeat "1."

Why is it? Is it for the love of the song? And if so, why can't we ever remember to listen to it days or weeks later... Why is it so temporary to us? I guess I shouldn't say "us," it could just be me. Why is everything so temporary to me? I would like to think that things or events or people in my life are long-term. And as much as I wish them to be, are they really?

I know my sister has been the most consistent thing in my life. I know that our bond is quite unusual to most, but you will never know why we are so close until you know us completely; that could take a lifetime. But everything changes. Good things will eventually fade and bad times will eventually pass. I even want a tattoo on my shoulder that says, "This too shall pass." Because it will. Everything will. The song I've been listening to on repeat, my unemployment, my feelings towards a person, my ambitions and goals. And it's not even non-tangible items, it's physical things too! I'm losing weight, my eye sight will change, I'll shrink at some point. Everything changes.

I think I like to listen to something on repeat because it's consistent for that point in time. For the emotion I'm feeling or if it's getting me in the mood to paint or write something on this blog. I guess everyone has to except that things are changing. Everything, constantly. And the sad part is is that we want to stay where we are, forever. And if not forever, for a long period of time. I guess repeat is the only source of permanent feeling for us. Repeat.

I would repeat a lot of things. A lot of happy events. But I don't think I would like to relive the same day everyday, that'd get boring. So maybe the longest amount of stability we can handle is a song one repeat. Even if it is for a night or to relive a feeling for a couple times during the week. I guess it doesn't matter, but for tonight... This song will be on repeat.

make-up

don't make up your face for him

don't make up your face for her

do it for you.

not because you're ugly

not because someone said so.

do it because you are you.

put it where you want it

however you want it.

do it for you.

no one else.

kicw

Everyone has to write about it at some point in time. It is the ever looming emotion that people want to feel, at some point in time. You could be the coldest, most self-centered person I know... But at some point in time, you don't want to feel alone. You want to have someone. You want to feel a little sliver of love, from someone.

Love is what keeps people dreaming at night, wishing on stars and at 11:11 at night or in the morning, it keeps us going back to bars or putting ourselves in awkward party situations. All in hopes that we will find someone in the crowd to get along with, that we'll want to smile and laugh with, talk to and maybe even exchange numbers. Love is what keeps us smiling after meeting someone we are "compatible," with and hoping at the end of the night they aren't thinking about anyone else. Love is what keeps the butterflies in our stomaches, the twinkle in our eyes and the sparks flying between people.

It's what we read about in books, see around us... at bus stops, in the bus, at the mall, in school, online, offline. Everywhere. It consumes our hearts and without it, most likely than not; a lot of people feel lost without it and are searching or waiting for it to come into their hearts.

I used to tell people to stop searching for it because as soon as you do, it will find you. That was the advice my grandmother had given me before she had her stroke and I'm not going to lie and say that I am madly in love at the moment, but I will tell you the truth and say that I did find someone to grow up with and come closer with every time I did stop searching for love. It's not that I had searched for "the one." It's that I was searching for someone to spend that extra time with, to text or call at night, for that someone to want to spend time with me. And eventually I did. Granted, it doesn't always last long... And it may not end the way that Disney wants it to end. But my life is not a fairytale, nor is anyone else's. If you put your love in the hands of the wrong person, it can become unhealthy for both of you and lead down a slippery unpleasant slope.

But! I don't believe love sets us up for failure and I don't believe that love can change everything or make everything better. I believe that love is there to make us feel a little happier and in the end I believe that it is to fill our hearts and have someone that we can grow old with. I believe love is helping us find that someone that we can call and share things with, to hold hands with, the smile and laugh with. Every time is different, I just believe you have to hold out and wait and see.

Family

I was telling my friend that I love my family. He's an only kid with no aunts or uncles. I'm a child of three, with seven aunts and uncles on both sides. I grew up with a lot of people, a lot of people to love me and care for me and build relationships with. One thing I will always be proud of is that my sister is my best friend and that I can talk to my brother about silliness, because we are very similar.

But tomorrow, or today - I go visit my cousin Julius and his very pregnant wife, Voula. I love them both. But I can remember the times when I was little when he would let me play on his computer all day, have sleepovers with him, he'd even take me out on dates. He was the one who introduced me to Blade and Star Wars as well as my first movie ever, Back to the Future. I can't imagine that he has a dog, a wife, multiple cars, owns a house and has his first offspring on the way.

There was a time when I thought that it'd be "Jules and Naffie," together, forever. Playing tennis on the weekends, meeting the girlfriends, getting ice cream and deciding if we liked them afterwards. But no matter how old we get and move further apart, geologically, he will always have a place in my heart that no one can take away. I love family.

Friday

Today, or I suppose yesterday - considering it's 1:48 in the morning. My friend told me he had read what had been on my blog... This blog. When he let this information be known to me, I couldn't not once, remember what I had written on it. And as I go through and I read what I had wrote. I look at all the promises or goals I had set out and put out into the universe and have never accomplished. This has made me think...

It has to change.

And today, I start.