I got them.

Tonight was amazing. I went out with a few friends. From work. And as much as you don't think that things will be fun or live up to that expectation, it's the best wake up call when expectation surpasses reality. It rarely does. But for that time being, when it does... Embrace it.

Love it.

Snift it.

Snort it.

I don't care.

Laundry

I love being happy. I don't know anyone who doesn't enjoy that feeling of pure fulfillment and joy come over their body. I wonder if it's just me, but when I'm so happy - I get like a little whoosh of tingling through my whole body. Like my brain and nerves are telling me to enjoy the moment as much as possible and to hold onto that feeling. I love holding onto that feeling. I wish I could put it in a jar and never forget it. But then again, if I was always happy and glowing, would I appreciate it as much as I do, when I do?

I try to look for little things that make the day or can make anyone happy. Like today. I worked outside, sixth day in a row. It could have been me bitching about the heat and how I don't want to be at work. But it's me saying, yeah it's warm - but at least it's not snowing. Yeah we're at work - but we're not running program. Yes we're surrounded by kids - but not kids that hate you, kids that say "You're the best!" or "You're the prettiest." You may not actually be the prettiest, but it's how you take it. To Amna, I'm gorgeous, the prettiest princess she's ever seen. And everyday, even if she doesn't remember it. I will. Because it's something so little, from the smallest girl I know, that she believes to be true - and now... Me too.

I hate having to turn something around for someone, making them see the silver lining. But whatever. Sometimes, I need someone to do that for me. But I'd like to think I'm a pretty happy camper. Oh well. Alls well, ends well.

Side note: I can't wait to do laundry tomorrow.

V

I didn't realize it until today that I had found it. My special someone. We are just friends and I'm sure that's all we'll ever be but I'm fine with that. Because out of all the people in the world trying to turn nothing into something, I don't have to. I have a friend that I can kiss and make jokes with and be silly with. I have someone who I can call and complain to, whom will actually want to listen. I have someone to go to walmart with me late at night and roam the aisles aimlessly. I have someone I can be around without worry or concern of how I look and laughs at my small paranoia's. To me it doesn't matter what we are or are not. We are friends and that is way more then I could ever ask for.

TRUST

I didn't trust people before.

If anything,

you fucked it up

for everyone who was working their way in.

Bubbles

I'm bitching because everyone does.

Everyone, at some point has that long period of time that they complain or get upset. I'm rattled. I'm not twelve. I know what I can and cannot do. And I can't believe that at twenty years old no one trusts me or believe me enough to do certain things. The worst part of it all is that I just want that one person to tell these things to, that won't criticize or think I'm a bitch. I don't need someone to want to hear it, they just are willing to listen. But that's a lot to ask for. No one gets everything at the same time, or even sometimes at all.

I gotta remember to just keep blowing bubbles.

Summer 2011

I usually wouldn't dedicate a post to anything so far in advance.

But I can guarantee that this summer will beat the rest.

Hold Your Breath

I'm not the kind of person who is going to hold my breath for someone else or wait for something to happen. I'll make something happen if I want it or end it if I want to. It's not that hard to make up your mind and go for the gold.

I used to hold my breath for you, not so much anymore.

Nafis

She’s a baby, a bay, songstress of imprints,

Sentience, seminal kindred empress,

Spondee two stress sociological scale-less

Speck of skin-tight soulfly spent embers, no stress.

I know her as Nafis.

Sportive thought portage practitioner,

Pale lily plain splendid seminal sandal wearer

When it rains, water-stained pavement art,

Bravado bricolage, earthly taut Sahadat,

Tadah! Magic backwards in her last name,

Nafis underworld land lane

Cinematic focus toward simple dimples damn fine,

Intertwined forever nought,

For always are but the options on the table.

My friend wrote this poem and it turned out to be about me. He got it published in a couple places. I figured now is a good time as ever to share it.

Deuces

All that bullshits for the birds.

You ain't nothing but a vulture.

Always hoping for the worst.

Waiting for me to fuck up.

I know you're mad,

But so what?

I wish you the best of luck.

Now I'm gonna throw them deuces up.

Silliness

I guess there are times that everyone wishes that they could say something, or tell something to someone without sounding foolish. My friends are famous for telling me little things whilst being drunk. But when did that become okay? Why is it that we tend to use alcohol as our truth serum?

People like to confront others under the influence or they'll text someone they've been keeping a secret, while being drunk. I think it's because they can literally blame it on the alcohol and can take it back if they want to. Which is inevitable once the sun rises and they have come to their senses.

I think it's pretty lame that people don't have the heart to talk to people sober or tell someone something that they are feeling out of fear. I'm not going to lie, I usually don't tell people what I want to. But I'm not going to tell them while I'm drunk. Only if they are someone I can trust and drunk as well. I'd never confront someone while drunk or fall back on alcohol to solve my problems. That's just silly.